The ECQ orders for most areas in the country are gonna be lifted pretty soon (next week, I think) and with that, I’m wondering if I should stop referencing the quarantine in my posts moving forward. But I guess since nothing’s official yet, even with the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would still go ahead and talk (write) about it.
So why exactly did I start with that? I would like to say that it is the reality and it’s something that I have to deal with, but the truth is I have actually just been using that “reality” as an excuse to simultaneously push myself to do more (since I have all the time in the world) and an excuse to delay all the things that need to be done!
And speaking of doing “more” and “things that need to get done”, one major, MAJOR thing that I’ve been trying to put off (both subconsciously and intentionally) is…
Don’t get me wrong, I did make a list of my own share of “2020 Goals”. It’s a pretty detailed list actually. I even did all the good parts. You know the “2020 Personal Goals”, and then I have the “2020 Financial Goals”, and of course the “2020 Health and Fitness Goals”. It’s a decent list, I must say.
But the problem now, 5 months into 2020, is that the goals and those lists remained like that — as lists.
To be fair, I did have a few of them going for the first couple of months of 2020. But that’s it. When the pandemic hit, I got sent home with no work (not laid off, though), and suddenly I started to have all this TIME in my hands that I didn’t know what to do with! Before this, one of the things I actually asked for was time. A little time (a month or two to be exact) so I can sort out a few areas of my life, to sort out my plans and my goals. Looking back now, I’m starting to believe that it was anxiety that hit me back then. Anyway, my point is,
I literally asked for some time off.
And look how fate played out? It’s funny how the universe plays its game.
My first week at home was a blast. I slept late, woke up late, ate anything, any time. Big chunks of my day were spent on cooking, eating, social media, and Netflix. My 2020 goals disappeared together with my red journal, hidden in an office bag that hasn’t been opened since I was sent home.
Almost two weeks into my “free time”, it started to hit me how fast the days are passing! It was the first week of April that I started to get anxious and started worrying and asking what I was doing with my life. I remembered how I ask for some time off to focus on my goals.
Two weeks in and I can’t even remember those goals anymore, or how far I am from achieving them.
Thanks to my sister (who, by the way, wants to be a coach/mentor), who also has big plans of her own, wanted to form a support system; a group where we can share about our individual goals, and an avenue to air out our frustrations, our excuses, our needs for a push!
So she created a Facebook groupchat for the three of us (including our other sister). She then started sending us these motivational photos and messages. And knowing that we are getting farther away from our original and huge 2020 goals, she started sharing to us worksheets for goal setting, podcasts for goal setting, guides for bite-sizing those goals.
She encouraged us to make realistic goals — taking into consideration the situation we’re currently in.
She understood that some plans for 2020 might not be very feasible anymore due to the drastic changes in our lives (hello, new normal). She pushed us to make small, time-bounded (by month) goals instead. Goals that can still be achieved even if the world is on pause right now. And even with the small goals, she even went as far as having us choose the most important ones.
She had us choose the non-negotiable goals.
These are the ones from the list that can’t be delayed, action or habits that has to be done, and can’t be broken or stopped at any cost.
She’s really getting pretty good at this coaching thing, I must say. There’s just one problem, though.
And by us, I mean ME. I can’t really speak for our other sister’s progress since I don’t know what she is going through. She’s still working from home though so she does have lesser free time than me.
So yeah, the problem is me. moi. I appreciated all her motivation, her messages and the picture quotes she usually sends the group — most times, they are even spot on to what I’ve been feeling.
Yet somehow, I wasn’t able to really get rid of my excuses. I wanted to take them seriously. And I did, on some days I tell myself that I needed to allow some alone and quiet time to really “set the right goals”. On other days I try to convince myself that I still have a lot going on with Pru, or that I still have some blog revamping to do, and the list goes on.
And guess what, this morning she sent us one message in the group saying:
It’s gonna be JUNE next week.
And just like that, my heart sank to the realization. Of course, like any sad human, I replied to her with a shocked emoji and a crying emoji.
Because really, what else is there to do? Two months of quarantine and time off have passed, and yours truly made the wrong judgment call of delaying and procrastinating the single most important thing to do BEFORE starting with anything:
*insert crying emoji*
Although I can say that the past two months weren’t all netflix and eat, it still saddens me a lot that I wasn’t able to really get down to it. Or rather, I didn’t “intentionally” sit down and do it. I have accomplished a lot of tasks in the past weeks but that one very critical task I have been moving farther and farther down the To Do List.
Even my To Do List doesn’t look like a Success List anymore.
It’s starting to look like an errands and reminders list.
But if there’s one thing I vowed not to do even with all these circumstances, it’s this: Act like a victim.
Just because I was sent home and I don’t have a “day job”, doesn’t mean I’m already a pity.
Just because I decided to enjoy some parts of my day cooking good food and relaxing with a movie, doesn’t mean I’m a bum.
Just because I accept other people’s generosity, doesn’t mean I’m a freeloader.
Just because I don’t get all things done from the day’s list, doesn’t mean I’m a failure.
I know I am far from that. I may not have achieved things faster than I should’ve, or as fast as the others around me but I know I’m not a failure.
And I guess that’s just one of the reasons why I still write, why I still pour my thoughts and my feelings out in here, out in the open.
Bottom line, we all cope differently.
And maybe, not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the weight of this task is me coping. Again, we all have our own ways of hacking it. And that is the most important thing right now. Our future plans depend on it. Our goals depend on it.
Our mental health depends on it.
For sanity’s sake, I know sooner or later I will get down to revisit those goals.
And if you’re lucky, I might write them down here too. Maybe if you share with me some of yours? 😉